A pLEXiglass girl.

Is that unfortunately, things change.

The fact that everything has just seemed to ‘happen’ to me, whether it’s graduation, prom, summer vacation… these things don’t feel like they should-or how I think they should feel.
I should be happy, experiencing it all in the moment with awesome slow motions shots as we throw our caps in the air or jump into that ocean…but I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Like I’m physically there but for some reason, my head is somewhere else.

Like I’m in a conveyor belt of milestones to check off on my to do list to meet the status quo.

And I’m upset.
I don’t know why…I have nothing to be upset over. ..everything that has been horrible has passed and now it’s strictly easy street until college.

Maybe it’s the break up..

But it’s not because I’m okay and so is he and we’re friends and talk every other day or so, like usual.

It’s probably just my temporary loneliness that’s bothering me…. And that bothers me that being alone can bother me. I love to be alone because I can’t stand most people. It’s the change that I’ll have to get used to again, I guess.

It’s also probably the fact that I can’t stand that one person can gradually alter my mood. No one should ever be able to control so much of your life that you can’t get on with your day without being a complete bitch that lashes out at everyone and everything because you have no idea what’s going on in that aspect of your life… To be honest, I’ve been dealing with it pretty well.
…except for the minor mood swings, social reclusion and horrible music I’ve been listening to recently….

And maybe it’s the fact that relationships around me are failing as a whole.
My mom and dad have been a lost cause since I was a kid…and don’t even get me started on the shitstorm that took place three years ago….
Then you have my grandparents relationship. They’ve always been my ‘parent role models’ so to speak. And they’re falling apart completely and it’s undoubtedly killing me. I love them both so much to pieces and hate to see them like this. My grandmother hates my grandfather and refuses to be controlled or makeup and my grandfather said some harsh, uncalled for things that were brash and can’t sit still for a minute, despite his handicapped status…. It’s been like this since graduation. This trip, for them it seems, has been miserable.

So how do I deal with it?

I sit in my room or go on Tumblr to avoid any contact with anyone because I’m a mess. It’s gotten so bad she won’t even answer any of his questions. And they’re both old. So what’s gonna happen if one of them gets into real trouble? Watching them get older, it’s been really hard. They forget and fight…I can’t even recognize them as the people I used to visit in Virginia any more. And it’s killing me, without a doubt. Because I love them so unbelievably much and I have no idea what I would do without them. I’ve stayed home with them for the past two weeks and it’s just made it more real to me that I’m slowly going to start losing my grandparents. And that makes me so incredibly angry and upset. And I don’t know how to deal with this kind of situation because in any other relationship, if I knew I was going to be losing someone, then I just detach myself from them slowly so that the goodbye won’t be so painful. I can’t do that with them. They practically raised me.

So I’m at a standstill on what to do and how to deal with all of this. I’ll just have to see how each day goes and take it from there.